An Atheist in Heaven



Just in case you’ve missed it, the Catholic Church have confirmed that atheists are still going to Hell. Phew. Thanks for clearing that one up. You had me going there.

This came after Pope Francis I said that the gates of Heaven are open up to atheists who are good people. Aw, in’t that nice.

However, the Church later confirmed that we atheists are still going to face fire and brimstone, regardless if we are good people or not. That’s a…erm…minor detail.

This led me to think: do I actually want to go to Heaven?

Mark Twain once praised Heaven for its climate, but preferred Hell for its company.

Who would I rather spend eternity with? Cliff Richard or Keith Moon? Hmm… Cliff Richard of “Our Father who art in heaven” fame or Keith Moon of “People try to put us down/Talking about my generation” fame? Tricky one, that.


And the whole worshipping God thing would be rather boring. Christopher Hitchens once compared the idea of heaven to a celestial North Korea. Sure, the Devil will be putting hot pokers up my bottom, but at least I’ll get a tan.

An afterlife of torture awaits me, according to the Church. To be fair, I have listened to One Direction songs before so my punishment in Hell will be a relatively easy ride compared to that.

This was a chance for the Catholics to live up to their name. The literal meaning of the word catholic is universal. Which I think is false advertising. “Yep, you are all welcome! Except you, you, you, you and you…and you…oh, and you.”

I used to be a Catholic once…I got better. I used to go to Church…I got wiser. I actually used to be an altar boy…I got counselling.

I was brought up in an Irish Catholic household and brought back a girl for dinner with the parents once. It was all fine and dandy until my dad asked her what she did. She said she was a prostitute. Well, all Hell broke loose. There was shouting and arguing, food was thrown everywhere; the mother was sobbing her wee heart out. And then my dad calmed down and asked her again. She said she was a prostitute. My dad sighed and said, “Oh thank God for that, I thought you said you were a Protestant.”

I shall finish on an old Irish blessing: “May you all be in Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you’re dead.”


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