Don’t Have Nightmares: Living in Nick Ross’ Dreamland

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  Crime Scene

And in the news this week…

Former Crimewatch presenter Nick Ross announced to the world that he is a stupid, bloody idiot.

Nick Ross – who is famous for his “Don’t have nightmares” catchphrase – seems to be living in a dreamland.

In his new book with the most original title since My Booky Wook called Crime, he says that sometimes rape is not rape. What?!

Ross is living in his own coo-coo land, resembling a hallucination after a bad trip. The words he uses are not necessarily words, but are representing dog faeces. The poo, in fact, is not necessarily poo, but it is a metaphor for the crap coming out of his mouth. The poo spells out the word ‘rubbish’. But this rubbish is not rubbish. It is actually an allegory for the amount of unsold copies of his new book stored in the cavernous warehouse of broken dreams.

This ex-BBC presenter looks like a smug Bill Clinton, but most evidentially without the perks of Monica Lewinsky.

His book, which is bound for the charity shops next to the bric a brac aisle and the video collection of Friends, uses a survey from 2005 saying that women who dress provocatively are partly responsible if they are raped.

This is like saying cows deserve to be shot because they are black and white in a green field or wildebeests deserve to be eaten by lions because they have tasty legs.

Mr Ross needs to acquire a dictionary to find out the real definition of rape. The victims are not writing big placards with the order to “HAVE KINKY DOWN TIME WITH ME”. That, my dear boy, is consent.

Whilst he has the dictionary in his hand, he can do one of two things. Either save us all the hassle and continually whack his head with it, or look up the synonyms for idiot. These include: imbecile, simpleton, moron, stupid…and Nick Ross.

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