I tried. I really did try. With all the best intentions in the world and with as much effort as I could muster, I attempted – and failed – to read the Daily Express.
I made it to page 13.
I almost didn’t make it past the cover, to be honest. I was almost on to the Advertising Standards Authority the second time today. The first being after I heard Sally Morgan had won her libel case over the Daily Mail resulting in winning damages of £125,000. This charlatan claims she can “see and hear dead people” – false advertising!
I digress. Yes, I almost rang the ASA when I saw boldly printed under its title:
The World’s Greatest Newspaper?! Actually, call the Press Complaints Commission! They are misleading their readers! Report the inaccuracy!
Lord Leveson killed the PCC.
The Daily Express also claims it is 10x better than the Daily Mail. This is not exactly a hardship, is it? It’s like me saying that I am a far more superior Shakespearean actor than Wayne Rooney.
So what did Richard Desmond and his evil flying monkeys of deceit and doom do to make me give up after page 13? They printed this:
Basically, the Girl Guides have decided to replace the pledge “love my God” to “be true to myself”, and Ann Widdecombe is a bit pissed off with it all, really.
Ann Widdecombe is pissed off at everything: those ‘aggressive homosexuals’ want equal human rights, Roman torture instruments are no longer fashionable to wear around your neck, and she’s probably never had sex in her life. The poor darling.
She argues that the decision will be “confusing” for the Girl Guides. Not as confusing as the old pledge because it does not specify which god.
Does it mean to represent the Abrahamic god? But which one? The grumpy sod who enjoyed playing practical jokes like “kill your son…NOT” or eating teeth and eyes? Or the hippy god whose one night stand on Earth got a bit out of hand and told everyone to “love thy neighbour” whilst smoking a giant spliff (and thus clouds were created)?
It could be the Islamic god, Allah! The foundations of the Girl Guides in 1909 was an extreme Islamic sect and they first came to prominence with the sinking of the Titanic three years later.
Perhaps it was the Scientologist god, and the pledge was, in fact, the billion year binding contract.
Or it could have been Derren Brown! Well, that goes without saying.
Widdecombe cited the “tiny minority” of atheists as the reason for change. We created the evolution of the pledge…oops, sorry! But it ain’t just us rationalised folk they have been excluding for the past century…but every other religion.
As you have probably guessed already, I am not an Express reader; therefore, not an idiot. This rare but fun rant spawned from a boring bus journey, a discarded newspaper and far too much time on my hands.
And if, like me, you have nothing better to do with your lives, you can follow me on Twitter via @D_J_McLaughlin
‘Daily Express banner’ and ‘Headline’ courtesy of Daniel J McLaughlin
‘Ann Widdecombe’ courtesy of Brian Minkoff via Wikimedia Commons/Creative Commons
‘God Free Will’ courtesy of 2Top via Flickr/Creative Commons
‘Why God doesn’t have a Ph.D.’ courtesy of Duncan Hull via Flickr/Creative Commons